


Is it selfish to want to be loved properly?

by grossnoona



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gender Issues, Happy Ending, Just MaoRitsu trying their best to work things out, M/M, Not Beta Read, Ritsu is the one whose trans just putting out and clear on that, Self-Doubt, Teen and up bc well Ritsu makes some shitty sex/horny jokes, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29441412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grossnoona/pseuds/grossnoona
Summary: Ritsu stares at his reflection as he carefully touches the wig on him. He doesn’t really look any different from usual but at the same time,he does. How funny.It really is so funny.Ritsu finds himself stumbling and fumbling over himself as Valentine’s day approaches. Right when he can finally confidently put on something he’s been meaning to try and put on. Just as he finally learns to try and get comfortable with himself in front ofhimself.Ma-kun ♡: Are you free on Valentine’s?Ritsu realises that this whole gender thing comes with another bag of scary things when you’re dating someone.
Relationships: Isara Mao/Sakuma Ritsu
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	Is it selfish to want to be loved properly?

**Author's Note:**

> wow i am alive (can you believe that like holy shit i am genuinely alive and active for the first time in ?????2 months???)  
> hi grossnoona here and happy belated valentines!  
> I had this fic wrapped under me since??????????? january???? when I tried to do something stupid and depressed-induced but anyway, I fixed this fic and decided fuck it lets just post it bc I honestly just thought it was a nice day to post lol (it is 4am rn)  
> anyway, _**before you start reading**_ , I'm going to explain a little bit on this fic as to where it stemmed from and just the whole mess that is known as a huge ritsu hc fic ig?? (its gonna be a long note btw):  
> I didn't specify ritsu's gender here simply bc well, that is up for you to decide ig? since ritsu is just trying to figure himself out in the fic (esp when he kind of _just realised?_ he's trans so I kept he/him pronouns bc that's just what I think he would stick with until he finds smth he's more comfortable w--however you are free to assume he has other pronouns besides he/him)
> 
> that and i just wanted to write about ritsu feeling like coming out to mao would be a risky idea, i mean like sometimes you realise you're trans while still being in a r/s where your partner might think you're cis and your gender identity can occasionally be yk how the whole r/s breaks and it sucks tbh (not really speaking from personal experience but more like secondhand) and that shit can be scary when you dk where your partner stands with that kind of thing so this fic might come off as maybe personal or painful as you read through how ritsu feels
> 
> by the end of this day, this fic really is nothing but a transritsu hc fic i made while i, a trans idiot, craved loaded KFC potato bowl at like 1am  
> anyway that was really long soz  
> I hope you enjoy it!

“Ritsu-chan looks best in bob cuts, doesn’t he?”

It’s amazing how tight the wig is fastened onto Ritsu’s head. Arashi could be shaking him back and forth as Mika panics about Ritsu getting a headache, yet somehow his wig hasn’t flown off of him. Arashi’s wigs are a whole new level. Though, if Ritsu were to say that aloud, Arashi might take a little  _ too much _ pride in that statement despite how meaningless it is. Ritsu somehow refuses to encourage that.

Even then, Ritsu can’t deny how much he enjoys this kind of thing.

Something about seeing him tug on the skirt he wears makes his cheek feel warm in a good way. Ritsu can’t exactly describe it properly. Maybe it’s embarrassment but it feels a little too good to be considered that, don’t you think? Ritsu can’t find the right words at all. Not like it matters, though. Arashi and Mika will just say Ritsu is overthinking again.

Surely, Arashi will try to get Ritsu to throw away those worried thoughts. There’s no time for that!

Ritsu giggles as Arashi drags him out of her house. Mika mentions how Arashi is always eager to go out when Ritsu promises to dress up with them. It can’t be blamed, though? Ritsu is usually pretty afraid of wearing these sorts of things in public. Despite being the shortest out of the three of them, Ritsu is often scared that he’ll look weird if he tries to wear cute clothes like Mika and Arashi. Unlike the other two who have been doing it for a long while, Ritsu feels like a complete amateur and a mess for wanting to try those sorts of things.

“You worry too much for your own good, Ritsu-kun―No one can recognise us so we’re fine,” Mika says with a pinky promise.

Though Mika says that, it’s no doubt that Mika stands out naturally. His mismatched eyes being well-highlighted with the wavy wig Arashi made him wear, Ritsu believes that’s enough to attract attention from others. Even if they don’t compare him to the Mika on the billboards, they’ll still be intrigued by his appearance. No doubt. Ritsu can already spot some strangers turning their heads as Mika asks Arashi about the location they’re heading. So nosey.

Even then, Mika is right. The most strangers can do is compare them to their idol selves that are neatly plastered on the billboards and screens. All people can do is compliment Ritsu by saying he looks similar to his idol self. The one who wears clothes that expose his skin a lot. The one that is tossed in the most masculine form of an outfit by the stylists. If not Leo, then it’s Ritsu.

Ritsu sighs a little.

Don’t get confused, Ritsu does enjoy the clothes the stylists give him. They definitely suit him, Ritsu can’t deny that. Many fans enjoy the clothes he wears. It’s just that he just wishes that he could wear skirts and dresses like Arashi too. Izumi gets to wear them, occasionally. If Tsukasa asks, maybe he can too. Leo has worn some pretty girly things too. Probably more often than Ritsu too. It’s just Ritsu that doesn’t get to be girly often.

Maybe it’s Ritsu’s face? Maybe he doesn’t suit those types of clothes? Ritsu doesn’t know, to be honest.

When Ritsu told Arashi about this dumb wish he had, Arashi looked at him as though Ritsu told her that he had a secret family at the age of 18 all this time. Was it really that shocking at the time? Ritsu couldn’t help but wonder. Then again, Arashi  _ did try  _ to be understanding. She had no qualms to offend Ritsu like that at all. Maybe she didn’t expect it at all because Ritsu didn’t often voice such wishes. It made sense when Ritsu thought about it.

The first time Ritsu tried to wear a skirt, he felt kind of weirded out by his own appearance.

There was nothing wrong with it. He looked exactly like he expected. Himself but with a skirt on. Nothing surprising about it at all. For a second, he kind of felt disappointed. Ritsu wasn’t sure why. He knew that he’d look the same with a skirt on. Maybe he wanted to be proven wrong? Ritsu doesn’t know, to be honest. Ritsu never really understood his own feelings.

“ _ Ritsu-chan, you’re crying―Are you alright?! _ ”

Ritsu remembered crying out of nowhere in front of Arashi’s mirror like an idiot. Maybe the reaction was slow, that’s why Ritsu couldn’t notice any changes at the time. Ritsu has always been slow. Ritsu is bad with his own feelings. He didn’t even understand half of the things he was saying to Arashi as he sobbed on her shoulder. Ritsu only vaguely recalls himself talking about how awful he looked in Arashi’s skirt as Arashi rubbed his back gently.

Pink doesn’t actually look terrible on him―It just wasn’t his style.

The only people who can see Ritsu in this skirt are those two idiots in front of him. Mika insisted on making cute clothes for Ritsu and well, Arashi was the one who offered her skirt to Ritsu in the first place. Those two have done a lot for Ritsu when it comes to wanting to explore this kind part of himself. All they ever ask in return is Ritsu to go out with them. Have fun in those clothes. Don’t make them collect dust in Ritsu’s closet.

Mika will always complain while going through Ritsu’s closet how he has made so many pretty clothes for him, yet Ritsu refuses to wear them properly. Arashi also complains about the barely used makeup bag that Arashi lovingly bought for him. At most, Ritsu only wears lipstick and maybe eyeliner if he can keep his hands steady enough. The two of them terribly fake a weep about how Ritsu is still a baby and needs help in putting on these kinds of things.

“ _ You two really like making me wear crap like this, don’t you? _ ”

Arashi coos as Mika tries to hold in a laugh. You better hold it in, Mikarin. Ritsu will choke him without hesitation, if he lets out a single laugh. 

This is what going out with them is always like. They insist on going out shopping for new clothes even though Ritsu is barely able to find space in his goddamn closet and is unsure if he should bring back some clothes home. They insist on getting Ritsu to wear something too far out of his taste despite Ritsu’s protests. As much as Ritsu will dread about the frilly outfit he puts on, he can’t exactly say he hates those two idiots.

“ _ Plaid skirts look good on you, Ritsu-kun― _ ”

Sometimes, they indulge a stupid fantasy Ritsu knows that will never come to life.

“ _ ―Matches well with the hoodie you stole. _ ”

Arashi snorts at how Ritsu looks like someone’s girlfriend. She always notes that. Ritsu is best in outfits that make him look like someone’s girlfriend. You know, the ones that love wearing their boyfriend’s clothes. The ones that giggle and want to cuddle with their boyfriend for hours during the weekends. All they want is their boyfriend’s attention. Nothing more. The sickeningly sweet and spoilt girlfriend that Ritsu always wants to be.

The kind of person Ritsu wants to be to Mao.

To be that kind of person to Mao, it’s a joke. A funny one, Ritsu wants to say everytime he hides the skirts and dresses underneath his other clothes. Mao would think it’s a big joke if he knew that Ritsu was that kind of person. He’d probably laugh in Ritsu’s face, not realising that Ritsu didn’t mean it as a joke at all.

If that were to happen, all Ritsu can do is laugh along. Yup, try to pretend that it’s a funny hypothetical situation. Not something Ritsu  _ wants  _ to do.

“ _ Would Ma-kun really laugh at me like that? _ ”

Ritsu has asked himself that question as he stared into the mirror in front of him. The way he grips and ungrips the pretty plaid skirt he wears, it almost as if Ritsu doesn’t want to register he has it on at all. It’s so stupid. Ritsu is weighing all of this on a boy who Ritsu has only recently started being romantically intimate with. Dating is scary. How would you feel if you saw Ritsu like this, Ma-kun? Would you hate it? Find it disgusting? Tell Ritsu to take it off?

Would you leave Ritsu for liking these kinds of things?

Ritsu bitterly laughs at his reflection. Mao won’t ever find out. Ritsu can assure himself that. He’s spent months, keeping it neatly hidden amongst his clothes. That way, Mao would never question Ritsu for having these kinds of clothes.

Even if Ritsu’s eyes linger a little at the clothes stores they pass by on dates, Ritsu always makes sure not to stare too long. Mao will question otherwise. Ritsu always makes sure to plan his outfit out the night before the date so when Mao comes by early, he won’t look through Ritsu’s closet and accidentally pick out one of the new skirts Mika sewed for him.

Ritsu works hard to not let Mao ever find out about these clothes. It’s important that Mao never finds out about these clothes, Ritsu always told himself. Whenever he’s asked why, he can only give a weak and sad smile.

_ It’s just too difficult to explain to a dense idiot like him, otherwise. _

A part of Ritsu wished he could explain this wish to Mao properly. Convey how much he would like to wear a cute dress during their Valentine’s day date. Maybe a couple outfits, if Ritsu were to pretend to be  _ extra cheesy _ and was able to convince Mao to do such a thing. Maybe finally fix the braid on Ritsu’s bob-cut wig that he has been neglecting.

If it’s only Arashi and Mika, Ritsu doesn’t really need to fix it but if it were Mao that saw Ritsu like this, Ritsu would like to look prettier than usual.

What wishful thinking, Ritsu thought as he laid his cheek flat against the coffee table. Ritsu gave occasional hums as Arashi and Mika chatted about Valentine’s day. If no one has a date, let’s do this together. If you want to give someone chocolates, let’s make them together. Listening to them fill up Ritsu and Mika’s room up with all that kind of love talk. It gives the chocolates in his mouth a bitter taste, despite it being the sweetest chocolate bar Ritsu could find in the fridge. How disgusting.

“Ritsu-chan, you’re not doing anything for Valentine’s day?” Arashi asks innocently.

Ritsu scoffs at Arashi’s tone. Don’t act so innocent―Ritsu knows what she means without her even saying it.

“Fuck off, Nacchan.”

Arashi laughs loudly as Mika tells Arashi to stop being so mean. How funny, Ritsu thought as Mika tried to convince Ritsu to be excited for Valentine’s day. It’s not wrong to try and do something on Valentine’s day! It doesn’t have to involve someone you like, it can just simply be about hanging with some friends. Mika rambles on and on about how love comes in many forms! Romantic and platonic loves are the same! Hearing Mika try to convince Ritsu about celebrating Valentine’s day, it’s kind of hard to figure out if Mika is trying to convince himself or he’s trying to convince Ritsu. Not like it matters, though.

No one really has any concrete plans for Valentine’s day. Ritsu is aware that some of his friends would be swamped with work. Others would have a date lined up or just want to rest for their only day off.

Ritsu would very much prefer to spend Valentine’s day cooped up in his room, sleeping or playing video games like the pathetic weirdo he is. He’s fine with that kind of life, thank you very much.

Even though he says that with full confidence, Mika and Arashi aren’t convinced. It’s clear in the blank, unconvinced stares they give Ritsu. Don’t lie to us, Ritsu. You’re smarter than that.  _ Yikes _ . Ritsu can never lie to people like Mika and Arashi. They’re too good at looking past Ritsu’s lies. Terrifying. This is what Ritsu gets for lying so much. What a bummer.

“Is this your reason why you’re not properly accepting Mao-kun’s date?”

Ritsu thins his lips out as Mika mentions how it’s pretty unlike Ritsu to be reluctant with Mao. Whenever Mao offers Ritsu a chance to see him, Ritsu quickly accepts it without even knowing anything. Ritsu is usually foolish like that. Everyone knows that. Arashi knows that even Mao’s own roommates give Ritsu a heads-up when Mao will ask Ritsu out whenever they see him.

The idea of Ritsu being reluctant with Mao’s dates, it just seemed so unlikely. To see it happen in real life was even more bizarre. Did something happen between them?

Ritsu shakes his head and gives Arashi and Mika a weak smile. Nothing happened between them as a pair. He can say that with the utmost confidence and honesty he can find within himself.

If anything, Ritsu is happy that Mao puts a lot of effort in keeping their relationship together. There’s nothing wrong with their relationship. The fact that Mao was the one who confessed first and insisted that they can find a way to date, it made Ritsu feel warm to the tip of his ears. Such fluffy, sweet feelings that would never get along with Ritsu’s appearance. Their relationship is great. Ritsu  _ adores _ their relationship.

It’s just―How do you know if someone you’re dating can accept everything about you?

Ritsu sighs as he presses his face flat aganst the coffee table even further. God knows what Ritsu is attempting to do. Maybe he’s just trying to avoid explaining the scary feelings that are trapped in his chest to the other two. To be honest, Ritsu is happy that Mika is the one taking care of him. Explaining to Mika about these odd desires of wanting to wear cute skirts and dresses doesn’t seem odd in Mika’s ears but Mao? That guy would never understand it.

No matter how much Ritsu loves Mao, the idea of showing Mao this side of himself seemed so scary.

“ _ I just want to be able to wear these kinds of clothes in front of Ma-kun, even if he thinks it’s a sexual thing. _ ”

How crude, someone might say when Ritsu explains it like that. Don’t get Ritsu wrong, Ritsu won’t oppose the idea of having sex with Mao if he asked Ritsu to wear feminine clothing like skirts, lingerie, or maybe even just women’s underwear. Ritsu doesn’t mind the idea at all. It’s just that Ritsu doesn’t want it to be  _ only in that context _ , you know?

Ritsu just wants to be able to wear a dress on Valentine’s day and be treated like Mao’s cute girlfriend. That’s all he asks for.

It just sucks that Ritsu doesn’t know how Mao would feel about it  _ in general _ . Be it Mao finds it as something that Ritsu should wear only when they’re trying to have sex or be it that Mao just finds disgusting in general. That uncertainty about Mao’s feelings regarding these types of things scare Ritsu.

Mika pats Ritsu’s head as Arashi giggles softly. Even cute boys like Ritsu have sweet dreams about Valentine’s day, huh? It’s not wrong to want that. Especially from someone like Mao, someone Ritsu has put  _ a whole lot _ of trust on. Arashi can only imagine the worries and scary outcomes that play in Ritsu’s mind. Mika doesn’t blame Ritsu for that kind of panic at all.

It makes sense, after all.

Arashi doesn’t know if Ritsu should even confront Mao about that. Gauging Mao’s feelings on those kinds of things is hard. As far as all three of them know, Mao doesn’t like the thought of feminine clothes on him. Ritsu’s jokes about putting Mao in a maid dress always end with Mao feeling more uncomfortable and annoyed than he was before. To be honest, Mika and Arashi don’t know if that means anything malicious or Mao is just tired of Ritsu’s stupid jokes. Not that they happen that much anymore.

“I stopped that crap after he told me how uncomfortable he gets―I get it that it was my fault for trying to project my own wishes on him, Nacchan.”

Ritsu gets defensive whenever Arashi brings it up. He gets it. He shouldn’t have done that. He has repented a lot for that, okay? Ritsu really felt awful when Mao brought up how uncomfortable he gets when Ritsu tried making those crossdressing jokes. The fact that Mao still managed to find the heart to _love him romantically and_ _date Ritsu_ is honestly stupidly amazing.

Though, that’s regarding how Mao felt about the idea of  _ him _ wearing a dress.

Ritsu has never seen Mao speak about how he would feel if he saw  _ someone else _ in a dress.

Fuck it, Mao has never spoken about how he would feel if he saw  _ Ritsu _ in a dress. Even now when they’re dating.

“Maybe Ma-kun isn’t so big on kinks―”

“Ritsu-chan!”

Ritsu sighs when Arashi reprimands him for trying to blame his problems on useless crude reasons that don’t make sense. Mika explains that Ritsu avoiding his problems isn’t helping either. It’s not wrong to try and confront Mao about how he would feel if Ritsu wanted to dress up for Valentine’s day. After all, Mao will have to know. They’re not only dating but they’re childhood friends.

“Y’know that you hidin’ this kind of thing from Mao-kun will become a huge problem in your relationship, right?”

Ritsu can’t deny that. When Mika puts it out like that, he’s right. Ritsu can’t pretend like he isn’t causing a problem in their relationship for hiding this. Ritsu knows that Mika and Arashi can only help out so much. They can only suggest things but it’s up to Ritsu to even attempt any of them.

Even with that kind of weight building up in his chest, Ritsu can’t keep Mao waiting like that. Ritsu has to give a proper answer, whether he likes it or not. It’s obvious Mao loves Ritsu a whole lot. It’s obvious that he cares  _ so much _ about Ritsu and his well-being. Mao would quickly accept Ritsu’s rejection, even if it were selfish of Ritsu to do so.

Just go on with the date. It’s fine that Ritsu can’t wear the cute clothes he picked out with Mika and Arashi the other day. He can wear them with Mika and Arashi, even if it’s Mao that Ritsu wanted the reaction from.

Ritsu is just being fussy. Ritsu is just being selfish.

It’s just a bunch of clothes―Why should Ritsu get so caught up on a bunch of clothes?

Ritsu doesn’t know, to be honest. Normally, he would be able to look at an outfit on a mannequin and think,  _ they’re just clothes―why do people care so much about how it represents themselves? _

Yet Ritsu can’t say that whenever he looks at his reflection in the mirror. The sight of him wearing an outfit he picked out himself, Ritsu kind of thinks he can be so goddamn hypocritical sometimes. Such a funny thing to be hurt by.

Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt whenever Ritsu scolds himself for wanting to wear these kinds of clothes? Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu wants to know why but he can’t find the answer. It sucks that no answer is forming at the tip of Ritsu’s tongue. So stupid.

Valentine’s day dreads closer and closer. Up to the point, Ritsu wishes it wouldn't come.

“ _ Why don’t you try to suggest the idea to Mao? _ ”

Ritsu chokes on dinner when Mika finally suggests the idea. It left Ritsu’s face turning red as Mika rambles how Ritsu could lie that it’s only a hypothetical question. Nothing concrete. Just a thought, you know? Mika is only suggesting the idea, Ritsu doesn’t have to do it!

Even after Mika begged for forgiveness, the suggestion lingered in his mind. Uncomfortably so. Ritsu hated it. Ritsu hated how tempting the idea sounded. It’s only a question, Ritsu found himself echoing Mika’s words. It seemed a little alluring to gauge Mao’s reaction and thoughts on such a thing. It wouldn’t hurt to ask. Ritsu is curious.  _ That’s all. _

When Valentine’s day is only a day away, Ritsu feels himself stutter and sputter whenever Mao is near him. It’s the weekend, after all. Mao would be all his. No one can whisk Ritsu’s boyfriend away from him. Such a lucky and cursed thing to happen to him.

It’s only a curse because Ritsu can’t stop thinking about that stupid idea. God, Ritsu wants to punch Mika in the face for planting such a stupid idea in his head.

How do you ask that kind of question casually, anyway? Ritsu doesn’t know. There’s no real way to be casual about it, is there?

“Hey, Ma-kun―Can I ask you a question?”   
  


Mao arrived a little too early on Valentine’s day. They were supposed to go on a date. Ritsu remembered that. He just forgot to set his clothes out, like he normally would. Ritsu just didn’t expect Mao to come over before Ritsu could even get that set out. Curse Mika who let him in without saying anything and ran out before Ritsu could make strangling gestures at him. Ritsu will catch that boy when he gets home. That is if Ritsu makes it alive through his date.

Mao gives him the green light to ask. Though he makes a remark that Ritsu doesn’t have to worry so much about what he wears. Almost aware that it’s regarding what Ritsu should wear. It’s nothing fancy, Mao jokes. Is it clear on Ritsu’s face that he’s worried about what to wear? Mao is hard to lie to, after all.

That sweet reassurance Ritsu receives from Mao is heartwarming but that’s not what Ritsu meant. God, he wished that’s what he was after.

“That’s not what I mean―I wanted to ask if you have ever wondered what I would look like as a girl?”

A part of Ritsu mentally finds himself screaming into the abyss as Mao tilts his head confusedly. That was a terrible way to phrase it! No, that’s not how you ask someone about how they feel about people like Ritsu wearing cute skirts and dresses! Ritsu wants to throw himself into the sea and have it swallow him whole as he watches Mao give it a thought.

Times moves slower than Ritsu would like it to whenever he’s nervous.

“I think you would look the same? I don’t think you would like long hair that much? Don’t you get it a headache when your hair gets too thick?”

Ritsu pauses when Mao says that. Ah, he doesn’t get the question Ritsu is throwing him at all, huh? Ritsu is really in love with such a dense idiot. It makes him want to curl up into a ball and pray that this is all nothing but a dream.

Should Ritsu rephrase that question? Should Ritsu be a bit more confrontational? Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu wishes he had Arashi and Mika to ask help from but knowing those two, they’d ask Ritsu to go with his gut instincts. Something he doesn’t want to do, to be honest.

“That’s not what I mean, Ma-kun―”

Ritsu slowly says his words. Carefully, he watches Mao’s face try to piece together what Ritsu’s words mean. God, Ritsu is already messing this relationship. They’ve only been dating for a couple of months and Ritsu is already ruining it. He’s just so goddamn selfish, isn’t he?

“―I meant I was curious if you ever wanted to see me dress like a girl?”

It’s hard to not choke on those kinds of words as he felt warmth and red creep up his face. He looks stupid, doesn’t he? God, Ritsu wants to die. This is such a stupid situation. This is such a stupid idea. Ritsu is so goddamn stupid. Why did he even try to ask this kind of question in the first place? Ritsu tries to tell Mao that the question was just a stupid thought that popped out of his head. Mao can ignore it, if it’s too weird―

The reaction Mao gives Ritsu is a confusingly warm one.

Why are you laughing brightly like that, Ma-kun?

Ritsu is only given a kiss for an answer. The feeling of Mao’s lips against Ritsu’s cheeks as he mumbles how Ritsu is such an anxious fool, it leaves Ritsu gripping tightly to the back of Mao’s shirt.

The minute Ritsu tries to stutter on an explanation, Mao gives another kiss on the lips. Mao sighs about how Ritsu really does get caught up on the weirdest parts about Mao.

Wear whatever you want, Ritchan. Mao won’t hate a single thing Ritsu wears. As long as Ritsu is happy, Mao doesn’t find anything strange about what Ritsu wants to wear. Show Mao all of the clothes that Ritsu wants to wear. There’s no need to ask permission from Mao. In fact, Ritsu shouldn’t be caring about how Mao would feel when he sees Ritsu wear feminine clothes.

“ _ If I hated you for wanting to wear those kinds of things, I wouldn’t be liking you for being the person you are, wouldn’t I? _ ”

Such an answer leaves Ritsu gulping nervously. Hearing Mao tell Ritsu that Mao wants to accept everything about Ritsu. Even parts like these where he doesn’t really understand so much but he’s trying to. Kissing Ritsu’s hands, Mao wants Ritsu to be happy in this relationship. Asking permission to be yourself isn’t selfish, Ritsu.

Ritsu can barely ask for any extra confirmation, Mao is already scolding Ritsu to get ready quickly. They were supposed to go on a date, weren’t they?

The entire time he’s getting ready, Ritsu feels himself being unable to do anything properly. He doesn’t even know if he can put on makeup or do his hair properly. All he can do is mentally seek help from his friends as he nervously put on eyeliner. This is so stupid. Ritsu is so stupid.

A part of Ritsu doesn’t even want to show Mao this entire getup, even if he had prepared this outfit  _ days ago _ .

“ _ Don’t you think this is weird? _ ”

To stand in front of Mao with this whole get-up that Ritsu thought he could never wear, it’s nervewracking. Ritsu finds himself rubbing strands of the synthetic wig on his head between his fingers nervously as Mao looked at him in awe. Don’t you find it weird, Ma-kun? Aren’t you going to take back your words and tell Ritsu to take this whole thing off already?

“ _ I think you look pretty, _ ” Mao says it slowly. 

Ritsu can see Mao turn red as he looks Ritsu up and down. Standing in front of Mao like this, Ritsu can’t help but think this entire situation should have never happened. The feeling of Mao tucking strands of the wig behind Ritsu’s ear, it’s obvious that they look like nothing but blushing idiots. This is such an embarrassing situation. Ritsu wants to crawl into a hole and die.

Before Ritsu can even say anything to change the subject, Mao mumbles a funny thing.

“My girlfriend is so cute,” Mao mumbles under his breath as he carefully laces his hand with Ritsu’s. Why does that kind of phrase leave Ritsu feeling so excited and warm? God knows.

All Ritsu knows is that he finds Mao funny when he quickly corrects himself and states that he shouldn’t have called Ritsu that, especially when he doesn’t even know if Ritsu wants to be called that at all. Mao doesn’t even know if Ritsu liked being called by male pronouns at all. He should have asked before he started calling Ritsu those kinds of things. Ritsu smiles warmly when Mao fumbles over his words like that.

What an idiot. Ritsu is in love with such a big idiot.

Ritsu shakes his head. No, Ritsu hasn’t gotten that part figured out yet. For now, he’s happy when Mao calls Ritsu, his girlfriend. Ritsu likes it when Mao calls him things like that. It makes him feel excited and warm. Call Ritsu things like that more, Ma-kun. Ritsu wants to be Mao’s cute girlfriend, if Mao’s okay with that.

The way Mao nods happily, it leaves a light and fluffy feeling in Ritsu’s chest.

It’s still a little nervewracking but Ritsu finds himself a lot of less self-concious when Mao holds his hand tightly like that, maybe going out like this isn’t so bad. The sight of Mao laughing as Ritsu makes stupid jokes about them trying out couple outfits together, Ritsu feels like this Valentine’s day date isn’t so bad. Not bad at all.

“So you genuinely thought that I would rather prefer to see you wear a skirt when we makeout than when we go on a date?”

Ritsu laughs loudly. Don’t phrase it like that. Mao is making it out like Ritsu thinks that Mao is nothing but a pervert who only has sexual thoughts about Ritsu.

“Well, have you thought about making out with me in a skirt?”

The sight of Mao’s red cheeks in the cold weather as he averts his gaze from Ritsu is such a cute sight. Ritsu adores it. Ritsu really does. Ritsu’s boyfriend is too cute, you know?

Mao doesn’t deny it. In fact, he admits it. He has thought about it once or twice but he felt kind of awkward for wanting to bring it up. The fact that Ritsu wants to bring it up after conversing about Ritsu’s gender is just odd, don’t you think? Also, it’s pretty bold of Ritsu to call Mao a horny idiot when Ritsu is the one who brought this whole thing up!

The feeling of Mao’s arms around Ritsu’s waist and the sight of Mao’s scoffing at Ritsu throwing ridiculous assumptions on him, Ritsu can’t help but feel his heart flutter a little. What an odd thing to be happy about.

“I have such a weird girlfriend.”

Ritsu kisses Mao sweetly. Mao tastes like bitter coffee and dark chocolate cake.

“Yea, Ma-kun has a really weird girlfriend.”

**Author's Note:**

> a part of me feels like this fic is a lot longer than it should be but here we are  
> honestly, I was pretty reluctant to post this bc well, this fic is entirely on a tangent that has no real canon content (i mean there is but thats like the framework rather than the goddamn fic itself)  
> as well as the fact that these kinds of topics can be considered personal to me and I am not one who likes writing or venting these kinds of topics bc I'm not really that type of person (I'm quite private minus the funny things that I tweet abt in my daily life)  
> yk the whole gender thing is a bit difficult to talk abt, and even the thought of having a gender hc on a chara is strange to me (mainly bc I don't do it often) but writing this was a fun little leap in what gender feels like to me and how its a lot messier than most ppl want it to be (esp the whole ritsu keeping his male pronouns but likes being called girlfriend bc girlfriend is a mindset) and having a cis partner wanting to be there for you as you grow as a person
> 
> so yea, I hope you had fun w this  
> soz that my notes look like a fic on its own lmao  
> im not currently active on twt but if you want, you can follow me on [@drunkossan]() (god knows when I'll update it--I'm going through another landslide of post-sem depression I tell you)


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